when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
