If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
