tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Let's get the cat blown out
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize