Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I lost the right to judge tonight
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
