I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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