i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
