My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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