Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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