i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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