how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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