Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
