ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
