Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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