Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize