remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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