Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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