There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize
