the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
