4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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