hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
sarcasm needs its own font
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
