she takes plan B like it's going out of style
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
