Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
