If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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