I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
