Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
