He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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