My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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