I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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