In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize