I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
