you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
