when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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