So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
