she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
