my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
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