Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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