The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
