I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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