I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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