How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
