You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize