And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
