I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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