she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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