Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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