the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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