I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
