a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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