Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
