I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
