why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Sorry about my life...
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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