Don't make out with my wife yet
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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