"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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