You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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