Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
