In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize