I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
