There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
