My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Randomize
