When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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