I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
