I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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