Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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