I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize