At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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